A new priest was so nervous at his first Mass that he could hardly speak. After Mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass."

So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after Mass, he found the following note on the door:

To Our New Curate - A Few Tips.
* Sip the vodka, don't gulp it.
* There are 10 commandments, not 12.
* There are 12 disciples, not 10.
* Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
* Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not bet his ass.
* We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late JC.
* The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
* David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
* When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
* We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
* When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
* The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
* The recommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, Thanks for the grub, yeah God."
* Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Darcy

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it.

If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?". The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!". Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and hid. When his older brother found him, he asked, "What happened?".

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. "GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

Dianne

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped and fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's"

Bush said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"

Diane

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him.

He ran as fast as he could. As he looked over his shoulder he saw the bear was closing in. He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear on top of him and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Larry

The Trouble With Email : It's wise to remember how easily email, wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

Annabelle

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Mike Myers

A blonde, brunette and a red head were camping in the forest. They forgot to bring food so they each took turns hunting. The first night the redhead went hunting and came back with a deer. Both the blonde and brunette asked her how she got it and she replied “I followed tracks and I found deer” so they ate the deer and slept.

The next night the brunette went hunting and she came back with a bear. Both the blonde and redhead asked her how she got it and she replied “I followed tracks and I found bear” so they ate the bear and slept.

On their last night, the blonde decided to go hunting and she came back with a missing leg, an almost detached arm and countless cuts bleeding heavily. Both the redhead and brunette asked what happened and the blonde replied “I followed tracks and I got hit by a train”

Teddy

A drunk was on a bus seated next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what causes arthritis?".

The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of personal hygiene."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his hand gently on the man's arm and apologized.

"I'm sorry.... I should not have come down on you so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk replied. "I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Diane

A blind guy walks into a bar, sits down and asked the bartender if they would like to hear a blonde joke.

The bartender replies, "Look mate I'll take it easy on you because you are blind, but you’re in a lesbian bar. I am blond, the girl to your left is a professional boxer, and blonde, the girl to your right is a weight lifter, and also blond, and both the security girls are blond as well. Are you sure you want to tell that blond joke?”

The blind guy thinks for a minute and replies “Not if I’m going to have to explain it 5 times.”

Evan

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Demetri Martin

Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.

Stephen Colbert

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Phillips

In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the Plumbers' Union.

Conan O'Brien

There were three nuns who had just died in an accident and all three of them went to heaven. peter was at the gates of heaven and he said to the nuns "in order to pass through There were three nuns who died in an accident, and all three, of course, went to heaven.

Saint Peter was at the Pearly Gates to greet them and tells them in order to pass through the gates they each have to answer an easy question.

He asked the first nun: "Who was the first woman on earth?"
The nun answered: "Eve"
"Correct! You may pass", said Saint Peter.

He asked the first nun: "Where did Eve live?"
The second nun answered: "The Garden of Dden"
"Correct! You may also pass", said Saint Peter.

Finally, he addresses the third nun, who is also the Mother Superior. "Due to your rank, I need to make your question more difficult. What was the first thing that Eve said when she met Adam?"

"Um” said the Mother Superior, “That IS a hard one!"
Saint Peter replied: "Correct! you may pass.”

Chloe

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color?” A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like “What’s your favorite color…person?”

Demetri Martin

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

Rita Rudner

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Rita Rudner

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Rita Rudner

A couple in their 40's are in bed, sound asleep, when they hear a knock at the door. The husband goes downstairs to find out who is there.

At the door a drunk man is standing in the pouring rain. "H-hey bud-buddy, ya reckon you could give ush a pussshhhh?!?"

The man screams at the top of his lungs: "WHAT, YOU ARE INSANE!? You come to my house at 2 in the morning, it is raining and you want me to give you a push?! No sir, I bid you good night!"

The man slams the door in the drunk's face and hastily climbs back up the stairs. He crawls into bed and his wife asks who it was. "It was a drunk man wanting a push"

His wife sits up and turns the bedside light on. "And you didn't give him one?"

"No", says the man.

"Arthur, what if it was you out in the rain at 2am. We are the only house around for 40 miles and you just want him to wallow around in the rain all night? You get down there and you help that man!!"

So Arthur walks down the stairs, gets his boots and raincoat on and steps outside. "Hello?!! You still there?"

"Yeahhhh"

"Where are ya?"

"I'm on the swing!"

Barry

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Rita Rudner

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.

Demetri Martin

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Rita Rudner

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Rodney Dangerfield

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

Emo Phillips

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Rodney Dangerfield

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?!?’ ‘B-batteries!!!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.

Demetri Martin

I actually do think that Wikipedia is an amazing thing. It is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge, or when I want to create some.

Stephen Colbert

A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

Anon

An Irishman, a Scotsman, an Australian, a Priest, a Bishop, a Rabbi, a blonde, a brunette, a penguin, a duck and a horse walk into a bar and the Barman says - "Is this some kind of a joke?"

GTE Reception

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

Janeane Garofalo

Q. What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

A. Dr. Dre

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen

What do you call her brother?
Raylene

What do you call her mother?
Marlene

What do you call her sister with two legs?
Nolene

Dean

Q. What do you call a Mexican peeping-tom?

A. Senor Bitz

A blonde was speeding down the road, and was pulled over by a the police, who was also a blonde.

The cop walks to the car window and asks the driver for her licence. She rummages for ages in her handbag and asks the cop, "what does it look like ?"

"It's a small, flat, rectangular object" says the cop.
After abit more searching, the blonde pulls out a mirror and says, "here it is", and hands it to the blonde cop.

The cop stares at it for a while, then gives it back, saying, "Here you go, you can go now, I didn't realise you were a ploicewoman".

Surveybox

A blonde lady motorist on Great Western highway/ Mitchell highway was two hours from Dubbo when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to Dubbo?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back who have to be delivered to the Dubbo Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep the monkeys on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Dubbo when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde, walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.

With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

" Yes, I know, and I did take them to the zoo," said the blonde, "but we had money left over---so we went to the movies."

Karen

Q. Who's the nicest man in a hospital?

A. The ultra-sound man

Q. What do you call a blonde skeleton in a clothes closet?

A. The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion.

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

Karen

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it.

I said, "Thyroid problem?"

Peter Kay

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.

Demetri Martin

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.

Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says "I’m going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."

Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."

Not even noticing Britney’s stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I’m going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can’t stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I’ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.

Tim

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’

Demetri Martin

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Ellen Degeneres

Q. Why did the monster with one hand cross the road?

A. To get to the second hand shop.

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter - 10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that 1 had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping...

Jenny

A polar bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a gin and.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
........................................................................................................................ Tonic".

The bartender asked "Why the big pause?"

The polar bear replied "Don't know, I've always had 'em."

Shubby

Q. What do you call a whale with no undies?

A. Free Willy

Two polar bears are eating a clown when one turns to the other and says - "Does this taste funny to you?".

Stephen

When all else fails there's always delusion.

Conan O'Brien

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

Conan O'Brien

Q. What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop,BANG! BANG! Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop,?

A. An Amish drive-by shooting.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

Ellen Degeneres

Did you hear about the Irish vet?
He tried to separate the Siamese cat.

Did you hear about the Irish pilot?
He refused to fly the jet unless they put the propellor back on.

Desie

Q. How do find Will Smith when he's lost in the snow?

A. You look for the fresh prints.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."

Paula Poundstone

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

Lorraine

Q. Did you hear about the bloke who stole a calendar?

A. He got twelve months.

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

Lily Tomlin

What use is happiness? It can't buy you money.

Chris

Q. Why did Tigger stick his head down the toilet?

A. Because he was looking for pooh.

Did you hear about the dyslexic occult worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

Chris

So this grasshopper walks into a bar and the barman says,

“We’ve got a drink named after you”

And the grasshopper replies, “What? Kevin?”

Bakerpet

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

Rita Rudner

Q. How can you pick the Irishman on an oil rig?

A. He's the guy who throws bread crumbs to the helicopters.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.

Demetri Martin

My girlfriend bought a book titled "Cheap and Easy Vegetarian Cooking". It's ideal, as not only is she a Vegetarian…

Ben

There's nothing wrong with stretching the Truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

Stephen Colbert

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

A. "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"

Q. What do you call an Italian thrown out of an aeroplane.

A. Con-descending

There's 2 fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Who's driving this thing?!"

Nicoe

Q. What's brown and sticky?

A. A stick!

Q. What do you call a mexican with a stolen car?

A. Carlos

Q. What's green and runs through the woods?

A. Mouldi-locks

Two guys are standing on top of a cliff. One has a budgie on his shoulder. The other has a parrot on his shoulder as well as a shotgun.

The first guy jumps off. The budgie flies away and he hits the rocks below.

The second guy jumps off. As the parrot starts to fly away, the guy shoots it with the shotgun, then hits the rocks below.

The first guy says to the second guy "Gee, I don't know about this budgie jumping", to which the second guy replies "yeah, this parrot shooting isn't too good either".

Raylee

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

Chris

Q. How many blondes do you need to take care of your computer?

A. 3.

1 to make sure the mouse has cheese, 1 to hide the key for the key board and 1 to make sure the apple has a few bites.

A duck, walks into a pharmacy and says.. "Give me some chapstick, and put it on my bill".

Alec

You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! But I've got oven mits.

Stephen Colbert

Q. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

Q. Where would you find a paw paw?

A. On the leg leg of a dog dog.

Q. What is a Country song played backwards?

A. Your wife gets back with you, your dog comes back to life, your car starts, you get your job back and life is great!

Q. Why do dragons sleep during the day?

A. So they can fight knights.

Have you heard about procrastinator's anonymous? They've never met.

Eric

Q. How do you get Pickachu on a boat?

A. Pok 'em on.

Q. What would you call a dog with no legs?

A. Nothing, it wouldnt come to you anyway.

I have a new saying, what I see in vegas, I am telling everybody.

Dane Cook

Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.

Conan O'Brien

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Steven Wright

Two blondes were fixing a house. One found all the nails were in backwards so she starts throwing them away.

The second blonde asks what she's doing and she says "These nails are in backwards so we can't use them."

The second blonde says "No silly, they're for the other side."

Yiannak

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A. No-eye-deer

Did you hear about the two tuna backpackers? They got stuck in Cairns.

Brett

Q. Why don't you date a wave?

A. Because it will dump you!!

A man walks into a hardware store and says: "I would like to buy a piece of string"

The Sales Assistant says: "How long do you need it?"

The Man, confused says: "I want to keep it!'

Gerald

Q. Why don't ants have balls?

A. Because they don't know how to dance.

Q. Why are there never any drugs in a Avery?

A. Because the parrots eat 'em all.